“Have you tried counting calories”: The Emotional Damage of Being Dismissed

Those were some of the first words I heard after driving 40 minutes to the appointment, circling for parking, paying $17 for parking and $400 to see a specialist who breezily asked:

“Have you tried calorie counting?”

That was after explaining what lipoedema was, the pain associated with it, and the years already spent trying to manage it.

One of the hardest parts of living with lipoedema is not always the pain itself. Sometimes it is the humiliation of trying to explain what is happening to your body while feeling silently judged the entire time.

Many people with lipoedema spend years being told they simply need more discipline, more exercise, more willpower, or more self control. One personal trainer once responded to me saying I was barely eating and walking constantly with:

“You know what else eats salad and walks all day? Cows, elephants and hippos.”

Safe to say that was our last session.

Over time, even well meaning but uninformed comments can stop feeling external and start becoming internalised.

Eventually, shame begins attaching itself to ordinary things. Eating in front of people can feel exposing. Rest can feel undeserved. Even after intense effort, many people still carry the quiet belief that they are somehow lazy, weak, or failing.

That is part of what makes lipoedema emotionally exhausting. Many people are not only managing physical pain, heaviness, swelling, fatigue, or mobility issues. They are also carrying the invisible emotional burden of constantly trying to prove they are trying hard enough.

When Effort Stops Feeling Visible

One of the more painful aspects of living with a misunderstood condition is how invisible effort becomes.

Most people with lipoedema are not disengaged from their health. In fact, quite often the opposite is true. There can be years of dieting, exercising, researching, calorie tracking, compression garments, appointments, supplements, surgeries, lymphatic work, and endless mental energy spent trying to improve symptoms or simply prevent things from worsening.

Yet despite all of that effort, the body may still not respond in the way people expect.

That disconnect can create frustration, disappointment, grief, and enormous shame.

When someone repeatedly hears messages implying that body size or symptoms are entirely a reflection of personal ability or effort, it becomes very easy to internalise the idea that struggling physically must mean failing morally.

Many people begin feeling embarrassed not only about their body, but about their exhaustion, limitations, and needs.

Over time, some begin apologising for things that were never character flaws to begin with.

Apologising for needing to sit down.
For cancelling plans.
For not being able to walk as far.
For needing recovery time.
For being in pain.
For not looking “healthy enough” after trying so hard.

The emotional weight of constantly feeling judged can become relentless.

Hypervigilance Around Food and Exercise

For many people with lipoedema, food and movement stop feeling neutral.

Eating can become emotionally loaded, particularly after years of criticism, unsolicited advice, or comments disguised as concern. Even simple moments like ordering at a restaurant, attending a family barbecue, or eating in front of other people can trigger anxiety and self consciousness.

There can be an ongoing awareness of being watched, assessed, or silently blamed. Not to mention the internal self doubt, guilt, shame, and anxiety surrounding food itself.

Some people begin over explaining their choices before anyone has even said anything. Others avoid social situations altogether because they are exhausted by the mental calculations surrounding food, appearance, or judgment.

Exercise can also become emotionally complicated.

Movement often starts from a genuine desire to feel better, improve health, or support the body. But after years of being told that exercise should “fix” everything, movement can slowly become tied to shame, punishment, fear, or desperation instead of wellbeing.

Many people push themselves far beyond their body’s limits trying to prove they are not lazy. They exercise through pain, ignore exhaustion, and feel guilty whenever they rest. Some begin feeling panic when they miss workouts, not because they enjoy the movement, but because rest has become associated with failure.

That constant state of hypervigilance is exhausting.

The body no longer feels like something to care for. It starts feeling like a problem that constantly needs correcting.

The Isolation of Not Being Believed

Being repeatedly dismissed can slowly disconnect people from their own sense of reality and community.

After years of hearing phrases like:

“You just need to try harder.”
“Have you tried losing weight?”
“You’ve got your mum’s legs.”
“Everyone gains weight as they age.”

Many people begin questioning themselves.

Some start wondering whether they are dramatic. Weak. Oversensitive. Lazy. Broken.

That kind of invalidation can become deeply isolating because it does not only happen socially. It often happens medically as well.

Many people with lipoedema spend years trying to explain symptoms while feeling minimised, misunderstood, or overlooked. Some leave appointments feeling angry, ashamed, and emotionally deflated rather than supported. Others stop seeking help altogether because the emotional exhaustion of having to justify their experience becomes too painful.

Over time, this can create a kind of emotional self abandonment.

People stop trusting their own pain.
Their own fatigue.
Their own body.
Their own perception of what feels difficult.

When someone spends enough years being treated as though their struggle is simply a lack of effort, compassion can start feeling like something they have to earn.

The Shame of Not Being Able to Participate

One of the less spoken about aspects of chronic illness and lipoedema is the grief surrounding participation.

Many people quietly carry shame around not being able to keep up physically in the way they wish they could.

Sometimes that means struggling with travel, long walks, standing for extended periods, or physically demanding activities. Other times it is smaller, quieter moments. Leaving early. Sitting down more often. Declining invitations. Needing recovery time after social events. Feeling anxious before outings because of anticipated pain, swelling, or fatigue.

There can be a constant fear of disappointing people.

For some, this creates a deep sense of guilt within friendships, relationships, parenting, or work. People may begin feeling like a burden long before anyone has explicitly treated them like one.

That shame can become especially painful in cultures that strongly associate worth with productivity, appearance, energy, or physical capability.

Many people with lipoedema become highly skilled at masking how much pain or exhaustion they are actually in. They push through events smiling while mentally calculating how much recovery the next few days will require.

Others slowly withdraw socially because it becomes emotionally easier than constantly feeling left behind.

The grief of not fully participating in life the way you want to can be incredibly heavy, particularly when the condition itself is misunderstood.

The Impact on Intimacy and Relationships

Lipoedema can also deeply affect intimacy, body image, and emotional closeness in ways that are often not openly discussed.

When someone has spent years feeling criticised, judged, or ashamed of their body, it can become difficult to feel emotionally safe being fully seen by another person.

For some people, intimacy becomes layered with anxiety. There may be fears around being touched, being looked at, taking up space, or being perceived as unattractive. Even within loving relationships, shame can quietly create distance.

Some people disconnect from their body entirely. Others become hyperaware of it during intimate moments, unable to relax because their mind is focused on how they look rather than how they feel.

There can also be grief around physical discomfort itself. Pain, heaviness, swelling, fatigue, or sensitivity can affect physical closeness and spontaneity, which may then create further feelings of guilt or inadequacy.

For some, there is also grief surrounding identity. Feeling disconnected from femininity, confidence, sensuality, or recognisability within their own body can create a very private kind of mourning that is rarely spoken about openly.

Many people silently carry the belief that their body has become a problem for other people to tolerate.

That is an incredibly painful thing to live with.

Particularly because the emotional wound is often not vanity. It is fear of rejection, fear of burdening others, and fear of no longer feeling fully worthy of tenderness, attraction, or care.

The Exhaustion of Constantly Defending Yourself

For many people, the deepest exhaustion is not only physical. It is the exhaustion of constantly defending their reality.

Explaining symptoms.
Explaining pain.
Explaining why certain things are difficult.
Explaining why effort does not always create visible change.
Explaining why they are tired.
Explaining why they cannot “just push through.”

Over time, that constant defence can slowly wear people down emotionally.

Being believed matters. Not because it removes the condition, but because shame grows quickly in environments where people feel unseen, blamed, dismissed, or emotionally abandoned.

Support is not about convincing someone their struggle is easy. It is about helping them carry it without turning against themselves in the process.

Counselling support for chronic illness is not about forcing positivity or pretending grief does not exist. Sometimes it is simply about having a space where people no longer feel pressured to justify their pain, minimise their exhaustion, or earn compassion through productivity.

Because after years of defending your reality, one of the most healing experiences can be finally being met with understanding instead of suspicion.

Sometimes healing does not begin with fixing the body.
Sometimes it begins with no longer believing you deserved the shame placed upon it.

Access Lipoedema support today.