“You Just Need to Try Harder”: When Illness Becomes Moralised
One of the hardest parts of Lipoedema is that eventually you stop fighting just the condition itself and start fighting what everybody thinks the condition says about you.
People see our bigger legs and assume you don’t exercise. Or they see weight that won’t shift and assume you’re eating too much. They hear you talk about pain, fatigue, swelling, or mobility issues and assume you’re making excuses.
And after enough years of hearing those messages, whether directly or indirectly, it can start to get under your skin.
And thats where the self talk starts to get ugly. “What if I am not doing enough? Am I just a sook? Am I really in that much pain? Am I just lazy?
But come on, us women with Lipoedema have spent years doing exactly what every “professional” told us to do. Every damn diet. All the gyms, training, compression bla bla. We push through pain. We feel guilty when we cant. But we keep trying. Then try harder again.
I remember thinking that if I could just find enough motivation, enough discipline, enough willpower, then eventually everything would click into place. That one day I would finally become one of those women who loved exercise, who bounced out of bed for a morning run, who didn’t have to think so much about her body.
But no amount of self criticism ever made my legs hurt less, and guilt ever reduced the swelling. No amount of trying harder ever made me wake up in a different body. And that’s where so much of the grief can sit. Not only in the condition itself, but in the years spent believing the problem was your character.
There is a big difference between struggling because you’re not trying, and struggling because you’re carrying a chronic illness!
Unfortunately, a lot of us spend years confusing the two. And that’s a heavy thing to carry.
When Health Becomes a Measure of Morality
One of the reasons Lipoedema can create so much shame is because we live in a world that quietly treats health like a measure of character.
If you are lucky enough to be born without a chronic illness and happen to fit society’s idea of an attractive body, people often assume all sorts of positive things about you. You must be healthy. Disciplined. Motivated. Successful. In control.
But if you don’t fit the “Instagram body” criteria, the opposite assumptions often start showing up. People assume you don’t exercise, or that you eat badly, or that you lack discipline and motivation. But the frustrating part is that most of those assumptions are being made without knowing a single thing about what is actually happening inside your body.
Most women with Lipoedema could probably write a book about all the diets they’ve attempted, the exercise programs they’ve started, the money they’ve spent, the supplements they’ve bought, the compression garments they’ve worn, and the endless promises that this next thing would finally be the answer. But, when the symptoms don’t improve, compassion often starts to disappear and instead of curiosity, people offer advice and instead of understanding, people offer judgement.
Eventually the struggle can stop feeling like something you’re experiencing and start feeling like something you’re responsible for. And that’s where shame starts taking root. Not because you’ve done anything wrong, but because you’ve spent years being treated as though your body is evidence of your character.
The Exhaustion of Constantly Proving Yourself
Most people with lipoedema are not disconnected from their health.
In fact, many become hyper aware of it.
There can be years spent researching treatments, attending appointments, tracking food, trying different forms of exercise, wearing compression garments, saving for surgeries, managing swelling, navigating pain, and constantly negotiating with a body that feels unpredictable or misunderstood.
Yet despite all of that effort, many people still find themselves being viewed through an incredibly simplistic lens.
As though the body exists purely as a reflection of discipline.
That disconnect can become emotionally devastating.
Not only because of the physical exhaustion involved, but because of the relentless pressure to prove that the effort is real.
Some people begin over explaining themselves constantly.
Explaining what they eat.
Explaining how much they exercise.
Explaining why they are tired.
Explaining why they cannot “just push through.”
Explaining symptoms before anyone has even asked.
Others become trapped in cycles of over functioning, pushing themselves beyond their physical limits simply to avoid appearing lazy.
For many people, the emotional burden is not only living with the condition itself. It is living with the fear of being perceived as someone who is not trying hard enough.
When Shame Becomes Internalised
One of the most psychologically damaging parts of repeated dismissal is that eventually the criticism no longer needs to come from other people.
It begins happening internally.
After years of hearing comments about discipline, weight, effort, or self control, many people begin monitoring themselves constantly.
Questioning whether they have earned rest.
Feeling guilty while eating.
Feeling ashamed when exhausted.
Criticising themselves for needing help.
Feeling embarrassed by physical limitations.
Even people who logically understand that lipoedema is a medical condition can still carry enormous emotional shame around it.
Because shame is not always rational.
When people repeatedly receive the message that their struggle is their fault, the nervous system often starts relating to the body itself as a problem, a failure, or something personally embarrassing.
Over time, this can create a deep disconnection from self compassion.
Many people become harsher toward themselves than they would ever be toward somebody else.
The Fear of Being Judged
For some people, this emotional hypervigilance begins affecting almost every area of life.
Simple experiences can start feeling emotionally loaded.
Ordering food at a restaurant.
Walking into a gym.
Wearing shorts in summer.
Taking breaks while shopping.
Sitting down when others remain standing.
There can be an ongoing awareness of being perceived.
A fear that people are silently assessing effort, discipline, attractiveness, health, or worth based purely on appearance or physical ability.
That kind of constant self consciousness becomes exhausting.
Not because people are “too sensitive,” but because living in a body that is frequently moralised creates an environment where self protection becomes necessary.
Some people cope by withdrawing socially. Others become perfectionistic. Others over perform physically while privately burning out.
Many quietly carry the feeling that they are somehow failing at being a person properly.
That is a very painful thing to live with.
The Emotional Consequences of Moralising Illness
When illness becomes moralised, people often stop feeling supported and start feeling evaluated.
Compassion becomes conditional.
Understanding becomes dependent on visible suffering or visible effort.
People may feel they need to “earn” empathy by proving how hard they are trying, how little they are eating, how much pain they are in, or how exhausted they feel.
That can slowly erode a person’s sense of dignity.
Because human worth was never supposed to be dependent on productivity, appearance, or physical capability.
Yet many people living with chronic illness carry enormous guilt for not functioning in the way they believe they “should.”
There can be grief around needing help.
Grief around slowing down.
Grief around limitation.
Grief around not feeling fully understood.
And underneath much of that grief is often shame.
Not only shame about the body itself, but shame about no longer feeling able to meet the expectations placed upon it.
Relearning Compassion
One of the hardest things for many people with chronic illness is learning how to relate to themselves outside of punishment, pressure, or self criticism.
Especially after years of feeling blamed.
For some, self compassion can initially feel uncomfortable or even unsafe because they have spent so long believing that harshness is what keeps them disciplined, acceptable, or worthy.
But constantly living in opposition to your own body is exhausting.
Support is not about pretending the grief does not exist. It is not about forced positivity or convincing people they should love every part of their experience.
Sometimes support simply means creating space where someone no longer has to defend their pain, justify their exhaustion, or prove that they are trying hard enough to deserve care.
Because struggling physically is not a moral failure.
And needing compassion should never have to be earned through suffering.
If this article resonated, I offer counselling for people living with lipoedema and chronic illness across Australia.
Learn more about my Lipoedema Counselling service.
Related Reading
• The Grief of Not Fully Participating in Your Own Life
• Have You Tried Counting Calories? The Emotional Damage of Being Dismissed
